Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Wake me when AI does housework
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
2022: I can fix it
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”