Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
i want it utterly assaulted.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style