translated into Canadian
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.