translated into Canadian
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time