Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Cool shirt 🙂

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

I think this might be relevant today.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

This is what makes twitter great