TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
@funTweeters
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I love twitter
Any refunds available?…