Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Had an epiphany today.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.