Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

My time has come.

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog