Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us