Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer