Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

This pepper has seen some shit

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.