Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

Hoping to spice up my evening

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Geez man, take it easy.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Made something I’m not proud of

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.