Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Sell your car

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

🚲+physics = winner

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.