[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way