[trapped inside a volcano]




Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?


An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!


Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.


Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.


Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?


I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.


Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one


*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.