[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
FINE, I WON’T.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots