@IndecisiveJones

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

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@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

@CulturedRuffian

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

@UnicornSyrup

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.

@ThaJawn

Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?

@AlishaMRM

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

@carlyken

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.