Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6