Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

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HEYYYY MACARENA