[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
All generalizations are stupid.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!