Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Hank is one in a melon.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.