Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”