Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Same post same
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.