Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
🤣dope
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?