@Bandersnaaatch

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

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@UGotMeRight

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?

“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”

@Prof_Hinkley

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

@CanadianBeave13

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

@MelKassel

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.

@Bandersnaaatch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.