Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“We will wed,” I threatened
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.