Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”