Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

respect

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.