Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..