Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

“I FIXED IT!”

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?