Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Well, this explains it:

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere