Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.