Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i miss shittin on people”

when she block me on everything

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.