Travel bloggers during quarantine
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself