Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
