Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Taliband
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
