Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.