Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.