Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

real

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.