Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
boys are so easy to impress
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
OMG 🤣🤣
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.