Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
23. the denim jacket
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…