Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Cat is stressing him out.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?