Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.