Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

“FRAAANCE!”

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?