Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Not all heroes wear capes.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup