Traveler’s camo
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
did it work
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*