Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
is nasa ok
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off