Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.