Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
