Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.