traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude