Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

I feel it

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.