Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.