Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.