Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I’d rather fork than spoon.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

nice challenge

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.