Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If only.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

What do you text your spouse?

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.