@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

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@krisv_723

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

@pilau

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@FattMernandez

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

@TragicAllyHere

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.