*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.