*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years