Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online