Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

😂

If you know, you know

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.