[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Showerkraut
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.