[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You Might Also Like
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Never deleting this app.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.