Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

bout dat hot dog summer

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles