[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”