Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”
“Nailed it. Next state.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?