@RobertManchild

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

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@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@Sickayduh

“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”

@Shade510

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

@esmexoo

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@AngelaEhh

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@tchrquotes

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?