[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish