Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*praying for world peace*
God:

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Personal question. #JustSaying

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*