Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

the icebreaker

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?