Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

This was my dad’s browser history.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.