*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*![]()
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Why soy sad?
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
peak technology
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.