Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Left at a local drug store…

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2