Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

#SuperBowl

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

who wants to go expliring

good morning

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

I am absolutely never leaving this website

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval