Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

aesthetic

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

They’re called werewolves.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot