Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”