Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

🤣✨#caturday

Worst Native American name ever.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.